Thoughts & Teachings
Matt Freedman
I am a Ba’al Teshuvah. Not in the conventional social context but in the more literal sense that I was not brought up in a ritually observant family but I came to find that the richness of our tradition and rituals speaks to contemporary life in ways that astound and inspire me.
My break with a secular-humanist life came on Yom Kippur 1985. As a secular family, Yom Kippur was the ideal time for a family vacation. As a self-identified Jewish family, we attended a brief morning service. When I recited the Amidah the words suddenly became for me deeply emotional. I felt that I was speaking, not reciting; praying, not reflecting. I continued standing long after others had sat down and resisted as my father, gently but firmly, tugged at my sleeve. It was the last Yom Kippur I ever spent outside of synagogue.
To this day, Yom Kippur is an anniversary of sorts and the liturgy, especially of the Yom Kippur Amidah, still speaks powerfully. It is not that I feel overcome by my shortcomings or that I am begging for mercy and forgiveness. But I sense a closeness to God that the year round liturgy is rarely able to bring out for me. At that moment, reading the liturgy feels like a “real-time conversation” with God.
During the year, davenen sometimes feels like communicating with a distant friend. I send letters. Sometimes I get letters back. I know the relationship is there. But it is often not a presence in my daily life. Once a year, though, God and I get together to catch up. I look forward to that moment with great anticipation, making sure I have in mind everything I want to share – all the wonderful and horrible things that happened over the last year and all the questions I want to ask. At the end of the day I feel fulfilled. Though sad I may not get that close again for another year, I feel renewed and that gives me the hope and strength that carries me through.
May this year be a year of return and renewal for you and your family as I pray it will be for me and mine.
